I Am the Colbert Questionert

And so can you!

My husband and I are those folks who watch last night’s late shows the next morning on YouTube. (I’m a morning person.) So we watch each episode of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert the following morning while we drink coffee. We’ve been following his career since The Daily Show, and we couldn’t get enough Stephen Colbert.

If you’ve been following me since my cake book days, you might remember that time I tried to get invited on The Colbert Report.

Actual author photo on my book jacket.

A special note to Stephen Colbert:

I know what you need. It is soft and moist. It’s suh-weet. Getting it only makes you want it more. It’s the perfect way to end a meal or start a day. It’s the climax of any celebration. (If it’s really, really good, it’s worth celebrating itself!) And next April, when my book hits the shelves, I would like to sit on your lap and give it to you.

A slice of Truthiness cake is yours for the tasting. All you have to do to get it is invite me to be a guest of The Colbert Report.

During Stephen’s most recent gig, though, he has shown himself to be not only hilarious but also a mensch. I’ve yet to hear a single negative thing, a single disparaging word uttered about his being in the world.

For us, Friday morning turned into a tough day. A beloved part of our daily routine has ended. We cried a little during the Colbert Questionert.

In a desperate attempt to keep him alive, I’ve completed that very questionnaire. Perhaps I will, at last, be known.

1. What’s the best sandwich?
   
   My mom used to eat BLTs all the time, but I didn’t like the T, and the L was boring. I couldn’t imagine it tasting good. Believe it or not, I only had my first BLT in the 2000s, and I was upset about how much I’d missed all these years. The only better sandwich in the world is the version by Neopol Smokery (Belvedere Square), which includes smoked salmon and, if you ask for it, avocado, on sunflower seed bread. It’s one of those sandwiches you’ll crave so hard that you have to get it right now.
   

2. What’s one thing you own that you really should throw out?
   
   Parts of my house are like an open junk drawer. Hundreds of things must go! I have saved old love letters from a guy who worked with me at Expressway Messenger Service in the ‘80s. I have old photography magazines that I think are worth a fortune, even though they’re falling apart. But I have thousands upon thousands of old pictures, and some of them are just awful. I should throw those away. We did that with Marty’s mother’s old photographs when she died, and how much of a shame is this?

   

   Sad photo by Marty Miller, featuring his mom on herwedding day.

3. What is the scariest animal?
   
   My favorite and my scariest are the same. A loose, snarling dog scares me more than any other animal because most of the other scary animals can’t access me. I don’t think about crocodiles. I have no fear of lions or tigers or bears. Plus, men are scarier than bears.
   

4. Apples or oranges?
   
   I don’t love either fruit, but the flavor of a good orange is like eating sunshine, and my body knows when it needs an orange. Also, when you bite into an apple, it bites you back.
   

5. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?
   
   Shit, yeah. I think the first autograph I ever asked for was Richard Butler’s, from the Psychedelic Furs. I took a painting I made of him to a show at the Marble Bar and had him sign it. “Into you like a train.” Alas, he was not that into me.

   

   Alas, the autograph has faded, but it was at the top.

6. What do you think happens when we die?
   
   We live on in the memories of those who knew us. This is the most difficult part of being an atheist. We die. Period.
   

7. Favorite action movie?
   
   I am not an action movie person, and each one I try to use turns out to not be considered an action movie. The only thing I can think of is the original Running Man. I thought it was fun, and Jessie Ventura wasn’t crazy yet.
   

8. Favorite smell?
   
   Roses that smell like lemons. If you could bottle it, it would be Votivo’s Red Currant. But I’m poor now, and the reed diffuser in the living room will be the last of that for a while.
   

9. Least favorite smell?
   
   Chicken parts in the kitchen trash can two days after you threw them in there.
   

10. Exercise: worth it?
    
    Of course! It’s mustering up the energy to do it that isn’t worth it.
    

11. Flat or sparkling?
    
    Sparkling. Like my personality.
    

12. Most used app on your phone?
    
    Facebook. I’m hoping to replace it with Crossplay.
    

13. You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it?
    
    It’s nowhere near in my top 10 or 20 favorite songs, but I like “Blinded by the Light” by Manfred Mann’s Earth Band.
    

14. What number am I thinking of?
    
    Three. Unless it’s 200,001.
    

15. Describe the rest of your life in 5 words.
    
    Buried alive under my art.
    

I have an excellent memory, and one thing I really like about myself is the ability to recall intimate details about people I’ve only seen a few times. I hope you will take this questionnaire, too, so you can be known. Link your Substack or blog post with the answers here, or just answer the questions in the comments.