Mister Saturday Special*
Part I: Ready and Aim
Trigger warning.
I’m 62 years old, and, until Saturday, I had never held a loaded gun, much less shot one. In fact, I’d only held an unloaded firearm twice in my life, both within the last few months. (I did, however, try to make a lamp out of an old BB gun.)
I know little to nothing about guns, but I assume it’ll be easy enough to shoot one: Shove in a clip, aim, and pull the trigger, right? Even a kid can do it!1 Gun novices in movies seem to be able to grab the guns of their dead enemies and kill the bad guys with ease. Plus, I am very good at darts! I’ve got this.
For about two hours early in the day, the dining room table is covered with unloaded guns—handguns, shotguns, and a revolver—and ammo for each.
This service for six, with a blue Bud Light towel acting as a tablecloth, is here thanks to a gun enthusiast friend who came over to train us in firearm use and safety. Can you say quality family time?
Our friend—let’s call him “Bort”—spends two hours teaching us how to hold, load, rack, shoot, stand, and aim. The holding is already overwhelming. It feels like acrobatics trying to get the fleshy part between the right thumb and index finger to cradle the gun without a gap, then trying to add the left hand, then figuring out where the thumbs go, then finding the trigger—all without moving the position of the fleshy right palm nook. It’s much more complicated than making a church, a steeple, and people.
We hold a gun, show our work, and get corrected. Then we switch guns and do it again.
Next, Bort shows us the stance, which is, ironically, similar to the neutral, loose-knee position you use for yoga.
We are now ready to aim. “Which eye is your dominant eye?” Bort asks, as if we had ever given that a single thought.
Fun fact: We all have a dominant eye and it often, but not always, corresponds to our dominant hand. (While 90 percent of the population is right-hand dominant, only 70 percent is right-eye dominant.)2
Bort has us do a test for eye dominance, which you can try at home—no gun necessary. Hold your finger up in front of a specific point in the distance and focus on that distant point, not your finger. Now close your right eye. Open it, and close your left eye. Did your finger stay in the same spot or did it move? For most of us, closing the right eye, the stronger one, makes the finger move.
I am blown away by this new information and cannot stop thinking about it. I have always looked into a camera’s viewfinder with my left eye and thought it was the only eye you were supposed to use. I’ve never even tried shooting a camera with my left eye closed. I look it up and find this is not the norm at all. What is my life now? I am left-eyed! What’s more, I’m holding a fucking gun!
Next, we learn how to use the gun sights. There’s one in the front and one in the rear, but the rear sight has a groove. To aim, we must close our non-dominant eye, then line up the two sights (the front sight sometimes it has a red mark to make it easier by looking through the back sight. The top of the front sight must be flush with the top of the back sight, too—a step I would forget several times at the range. Once you get it, you close your non-dominant or weaker eye and pull the trigger. That’s it!
And Bob’s your dead uncle!
You’ve probably been wondering why a family that rescues animals and talks to insects would spend a whole day in the bad company of firearms. The answer, in short, is fascism. Though I disagree with the NRA and most of what they stand for, here’s part of how their Institute for Legislative Action interprets the Second Amendment:
The Founding Fathers felt that citizens should be able to protect themselves against the government and any other threat to their wellbeing or personal freedom. The Second Amendment granted citizens that right — giving them the ability to defend themselves and their property.
Though times have changed dramatically, the need for defenses afforded by the Second Amendment has remained much the same.3
I am 62 years old, and this is also the first time in my life that I have felt threatened by my own government.
Next up: That’s When I Reach for My Revolver.
To be continued.
*A Note About the Title
The end of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Saturday Night Special”:
Hand guns are made for killin'
They ain't no good for nothin' else
And if you like to drink your whiskey
You might even shoot yourselfSo why don't we dump 'em, people
To the bottom of the sea
Before some old fool come around here
Wanna shoot either you or me?
While it’s not an anti-gun protest song, it does advocate for gun control, calling for cheap handguns like this one to be dumped into the ocean.
In the 1960s the NRA was a responsible organization. They promoted gun safety and education. In the late 1970s my father resigned his lifetime membership. He told me they had lost their minds.
I have always enjoyed it as a hobby. I have never viewed it as self defense. But it’s a useful skill.
I love you.
I have thought about arming up, but I don’t think I’m coordinated enough to handle a firearm, nor stable enough to not cause myself harm.